Our Top Stories:

Marrone: Fuck It, Kyle Orton is Our Quarterback

Houston- Following his team’s 23-17 loss to the Houston Texans, a dejected coach Doug Marrone took to the podium to blame his team for failing to adhere to game-plan drawn up by his staff for the game. Clearly sipping Nyquil from an old Diet Pepsi bottle, a sweaty and disoriented coach Marrone candidly shared the…

Haunted Hospital is Full of Gold and is Seriously Super Awesome

Perrysburg- Just weeks after declaring war on “ghost hunters”, local authorities appear to have waived the white flag in their efforts to beat up and extort area teenagers for trespassing at the grounds of the former J.N. Adams hospital. An official statement from one local police department admits they “completely dropped the ball” in devoting…

Bills’ Carpenter Makes Dolphins Wish They Never Fucked With Him

Buffalo- NFL kickers are usually known for their stoic demeanor. However, Buffalo Bills kicker Dan Carpenter was a man on a mission during Sunday’s routing of his former team- the mission being an elaborate revenge plot dating back to his release from the Miami Dolphins last August. Carpenter’s plans to make the Dolphins pay came…

103.3 Archaeologists Discover 3 Sublime Albums

Buffalo- Corporate rock puppets from Buffalo’s 103.3 “The Edge” have discovered what they believe to be 3 previously unknown albums from ska/dub/punk/reggae band “Sublime” on a promotional archaeological dig at the site of the former “Record Theater”. For centuries music experts working for the station have believed that the band broke up immediately after writing…